Guy in a stupid jetpack with laser wrists, CHANCE!

OR

Terribly designed cyber blade jet shoe purple-hair clown, SPEEDFREEK!

Are we trying to confuse kids now? What is this? A toy. I’ve managed to figure that much out. But what character does it seek to represent? Compound Hulk? Who is that guy? I don’t know him. He looks lamer than hell. I mean, are we making these exclusively for 3-year-olds who play with them in the tub? A 6-year-old would demand to know who it was that he was playing with if he was given this monstrosity as a gift.

Let’s start with the end-all of comic book weddings. This is iconic. People have this tattooed on them. It sets the bar and I’ve never seen it matched.

And here’s a slightly less-memorable comic book wedding issue.

And, finally, the least-memorable comic book wedding issue to come with two collectable cards and currently sell for less than cover price.

1. Modern. Anyone read this? Worth checking out? Hulk v. Foom sounds good and almost fool proof, but let’s not be too optimistic. The cover is at least promising.

2. Classic. IT! The Living Colossus. What happened to this guy? I definitely want to track this one down. Might have to put a bid in…

If you defer to creators on every matter and allow constant revamps or retcon’ing and you lose your core. At which point you have to put out a movie to ignite temporary interest among a transitory readership. “Those people aren’t your friends” says it best. Movies help drive readership, but only a small percentage of those people will be life-long readers. Take a cue from bodybuilders- maintain your core.

Here’s an example: Abomination. This dude, when written well, has pathos for days. He’s multi-dimensional and menacing. I really like him. But I don’t have a clue what is going on with the character at this moment. Is he dead in that Jeph Loeb book I couldn’t finish? I don’t know. Because nothing seems real. Nothing has gravity when we know a character will come back, and worse, come back without real explanation outside of “new creative team didn’t like what the last one did.”

Knock that shit off. Brilliant creators can be reined in to respect continuity. Sacrificing one for the other makes you look deficient at your job of editor. Crack a whip. Make rules. Upset your staff. It’s what a boss does.

Here’s an auction that brings me back to a simpler time. Check it. Pour out some liquor for another character lost in the swell of editorial pussyfooting.

In the Northeast, basements come in two types: Scary and Not Scary. All basements are somewhat scary because man wasn’t meant to be beneath the ground. But some basements push that scary thing to a new level through neglect, dampness, and an unmistakably grave-like earthen feel. Those are the basements you run up the last three steps when exiting, regardless of how old you are.

The Not Scary basement usually has a drop ceiling and a Ping-Pong table. It’s a place parents put their kids when they don’t want to deal with loud little monsters traipsing dogshit through the white carpeted living room. Those basements rule. They suit the needs of kids throughout their adolescence and when you turn 16 it’s where you touch a boob for the first time.

This Hulk poster featuring Neal Adams artwork would look awesome in a Not Scary basement. Check out the word balloon you could totally waste by writing something not funny in.

Typically I don’t like to reward those sellers who are so dismissive of me, the potential buyer, that they don’t put up large size images. But this piece deserves some looks so we’ll try to ignore that this would be a much more effective auction if the scale of the piece was represented and a good photo was taken.

Be sure to check the auction’s details because this dude is one of those Ebay-impaired types and his photo wasn’t cutting it so I hustled to get you some worthwhile visual reference.

Looking back, it seems pretty wack, but I only have warmth in my heart for this weird toy.

I think if I had to explain this to someone under the age of 16 at this point, I would say…

“Well, it was before the internet. And before handheld mobile devices; it even predates the original gameboy. So, imagine something you could carry around and “watch” a story, but there’s no audio. You had to read along with it on the screen. You couldn’t use it in the dark, really.”

“I don’t think you’d be into it.”

But man – look at how cool those viewmaster slides look.

It only makes it better that one of them almost never really wins.

The HULK is just too much for the THING. Always. Always. Always. It’s like one of those rules you find out about a week after you buy your first comic.

But the beautiful part is that ol’ Ben Grimm never gives up. He always believes that he will get him. Rather – he knows he’ll lose. But someone has to stiffen up and go push the bully.

Now go buy this poster and explain it to your ten year old son between his texts.